


Stained Pages and Second Chances

by InvaildHuman



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Child Abuse, Civil War Team Iron Man, Death Note References, Homophobia, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 09:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvaildHuman/pseuds/InvaildHuman
Summary: With a snap of Thanos' finger, Tony watched as those around him faded into dust. Angry and full of pain, he was given a chance by the being that had kept him alive all this time, a chance to fix things. Tony accepted this deal, and now is back in his 9 year old body in possession of a Death Note. He refuses for this life to be the same as his past one, to make those mistakes all over again, he can and will fix everything.
Relationships: (I love that tag and you'll have to deal with it), Wouldn't YOU like to know
Comments: 25
Kudos: 124





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my wonderful beta Mason, his help makes this all happen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my new fic! Sorry for a shorter chapter than usual, I'm having some vision problems and I wrote 6k of it today despite the pain. No pain no gain. Anyways, this isn't a true Death Note crossover, it is set in the MCU only with the existence of the notebook and Shinigami. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I uh, have never actually watched any MCU movies other than Civil War, Black Panther, and Homecoming soooo expect inaccuracies. It's an au anyways, why the bloody hell does it matter if I do things wrong?

Tony watched with horror as all the fears he had held ever since the initial Chitauri invasion came true, they were helpless. With a single snap, Tony watched people around him reduce to dust. Watched as the kid he has come to see as family faded into oblivion beneath his hold, terrified of the death he knew was coming. He was alone, other than Nebula, having watched as one by one each and every one of the people he has come to see as allies faded into dust. He looked to the ground on this alien planet, not truly seeing what was before him. They lost. Thanos had won. 

He stomach twisted in knots and his eyes watered as Tony realized Vision had fallen, the final link to the AI he had seen almost as a son was gone. Along with God knows how many others, Rhodey could be dead, or Pepper, or Happy. Maybe all of them were gone. Nebula was standing behind him, but never had Tony felt more alone. He heard her speaking, until he didn’t. Turning, Tony saw her final moments as she too faded, staring down at her arms in shock. NO! This shouldn’t be happening. Why was Tony left? Why is he still here when everyone else is gone!?

Tony let out a guttural scream, letting out all of the pent up grief and anger stewing within him, venting his frustration out on an empty planet. The only sound left was his own scream. Tony slammed his hand to the ground, losing his fight against the tears he had been fighting back, Stark men are made of iron, but what use is iron when he was stranded on a foregein planet with half of everyone in the universe gone? Nothing, that’s how much damn use his father’s iron holds. Under this whirlwind of events, Tony’s iron has melted, and this time, he doesn’t think there can be remolding, the material was too warn and tainted to be remade. Not after this.

Tony fell apart, sobbing. He couldn’t care less, there was nobody to see him, not that he would care even if there was. He only spared a moment to wonder if his child was still alive, if Pepper had been one of those wiped out, if two lives he cared about were gone in a single action. Tony only curled tighter, his sobs wracking harder, he wonders what he did to deserve this. What karma has he dealt that was paid in such a steep price. He’s failed the Earth, he’s failed his friends, he’s failed a boy he thought of as his son. And despite the fact they were all gone- he was still here.

“WHY AM I STILL ALIVE!?” he roared out into the silence, not expecting a response. However, a chill passed over him and he felt a presence behind his back, Tony stayed hunched and didn’t want to turn. So what if someone found him because he was screaming like a lunatic, he just wants to wallow in misery alone. A hand touched his shoulder, it chilled him to the bone, his head involuntary shot to look at the source. The was the face of a skeleton with the form of a woman, dressed in a royal purple cloak on top of her black dress. Her skeletal hand reached towards him, boney fingers caressed his cheek softly, making his face numb with the cold.

“It is not your time.” she rasped, and it took Tony several moments to realize she was answering the question he had shouted earlier. Tony knew who she was, not only by her appearance, but by her touch. The same touch he has felt countless times with his brushes with death. None having felt stronger than in Siberia, alone and abandoned by those he thought to be friends, it was the chill of Death that froze more than the biting cold of the Siberian air. He could feel it creep towards his chest, where a gaping angry gouge in his armour lay, created by a shield fashioned by his father for his greatest creation. Because despite what Howard may have said on that recording, Tony knew in his heart of hearts how little he meant to his father, Steve was truly where his pride had fallen, and the man didn’t even respect his father enough to tell his son who his killer was. Steve had the gall to attack him with the shield fashioned by his father, in the gear designed and produced by Tony to protect him, and then abandon Tony to the death which swooped in at a rapid pace.

But he didn’t die. Just as he hadn’t in Afghanistan when he felt her touch. Nor when he was in college and overdosed on drugs and alcohol to escape and felt her touch enveloping his body. Not when Howard's hands wrapped around his neck as a child and he felt that chilling touch embrace him in her frosty arms. He never died. No matter how many times he should have, no matter how deep into her touch he got, Tony lived. He always lived. Why did it have to be him and not all of the people he has had to watch die because of his mistakes? Why?

Death hushed him with her lipless mouth, her hand cupping his cheek. “Calm down my Sinigami. You have suffered, but for a reason. It is time for you to begin your duties, and I will grant you a gift to start. I will send you back in time so you may fix the world as you see fit, the only price is that you must defeat the Mad Titan that vies for my affection. You will also have to fully embrace your roll as one of my Shinigami when your life comes to an end. Do you find the terms acceptable, My Merchant.” she asked in her chilling whisper. 

Tony’s mind spun with the information he had been given and the possibilities that it could lead to. Shinigami, gods of death in Japanese Mythology, something he learned when the discovery of Asgardians led to him research all Mythology he could in case they too were real. Death was saying that he lived through this life so that he may live a second one as her servant, fulfilling the task of defeating Thanos before ultimately fully becoming her Shinigami when he dies. Tony could read in between the lines. It filled him with anger that he went through all of this for what amounted to nothing since the god (or whatever she is) had already predetermined his fate. He doesn’t like the idea that everything he had done had been meaningless because his destiny, or fate, or some other bullshit like that had already been determined. 

He was also filled with glee, at everything he could fix. He could save Jarvis, both of them! Also his mom, and he could stop Obadiah and make sure Stark Industries never deals under the table and causes such destruction and suffering. He could do so many things, right so many wrongs, and that was only with preventing things. Tony could invent, he could bring technology to all new heights with his knowledge, perhaps even bringing it to a new era by moving things up quicker. Though, he was wary of that particular thought train, of changing the world to such a degree. It could have unforeseen consequences he couldn’t begin to calculate. 

The genius' head was overloaded with all of the thoughts, plans, and ideas that had come into being in seconds, racing faster than most could dream of achieving. He was broken out of his thoughts by the hand he forgot all about grasping his chin and tilting his head up so he met the hollow orbital sockets of Death’s face.

“So my Merchant, do we have a deal?” she asked, but it wasn’t a question. She knew the answer just as Tony did, he just snorted at the fact she even asked when she had planned all of this before nodded. Death tilted his head up further as her other hand pulled him upward, he was confused as to what she was doing until exposed teeth met his lips. Before he even had time to process what had happened, he felt his world fade to black.

-

“-Anthony! Anthony wake up!” cut through his groggy state, he instantly placed the voice he had long forgotten the sound of, a fact that haunted him for years. The fact that with all of his intelligence, he forgot the sound of his mother’s voice less than a decade after she died never failed to upset him. He blearily opened his eyes, spluttering as the pain around his neck hit him as he came further into awareness. He opened his eyes and saw his Mother, her hair was disheveled and she was still dressed in party wear, she sagged with relief when she saw his eyes open.

“Oh, Anthony.” she muttered, pulling his head closer to her stomach from his place on her lap. Her eyes roamed frantically over his body taking in his injuries, “I’m so sorry for leaving you alone with him. I thought Jarvis would be here to watch over you.” Maria apologized, voice thick with regret and shame. Tony tried to recall what had happened that day all those years ago- well now it is the present once more which would be strange to get used to. 

It came to him in pieces, his Mom leaving for a fundraiser, Jarvis being called away by Anna due to a gas leak in their house, and Howard being absolutely plastered. Tony had been careless, forgetting Howard would be coming home early from a meeting that day. With nobody home it had been the perfect opportunity for him, as he invited a boy he had a crush on to the house. They had gone to the same dull events for as long as Tony could remember, always sneaking away from their moms to hang out away from all of the annoying pandering and drama. The two of them hung out for awhile, as they usually did, when it was close to his friend leaving Tony made his move, shyly kissing his friend on the doorstep. What he didn’t know however, was that Howard was in the driveway.

Howard had exploded, his friend was in shock from the kiss and ran away when Howard started yelling. Howard had shoved Tony violently into the house before slamming the door, spewing insults and slurs at the top of his lungs. He had backed Tony into the living room, stalking towards the scared child that tried to escape what he knew was going to come with a predatory advance. Howard wasted little time in throwing the first swing, hitting Tony in the gut and knocking the air out of him. The next blow rammed into his head, making the rest of the events fuzzy and clouded. He remembers the weight of Howard straddling him, the hand wrapped tightly around his neck, the sound of a voice that was distorted as if being heard from under water. He remembers how his body was too disoriented from the confusion to fight back in anyway, how he was lying their helpless as he suffocated. He remembers Death’s embrace, just as he remembers waking up in his Mom’s lap exactly as he had moments ago. 

Tony shuddered after the vivid memories finished playing out in his mind, once they started it was like he was trapped watching it all over again. He also noticed that his memory seemed to be more detailed than before, encompassing little events even those he forgot. He had blocked this particular event from his memory until the B.A.R.F dragged it all back up and Tony was forced to confront his suppressed preferences. 

Tony realizes in retrospect that he had sex with any willing woman because he was trying to get rid of what was wrong with him, he tried his hardest to be normal and therefore pursued girls time and again, even when it left him unfulfilled. Pepper was different, he managed to form an emotional connection with her, while he didn’t love her physically, she had his heart. Sex wasn’t about physical needs which no woman could fulfill for Tony, instead it was about an intimate connection, _ love _conveyed physically, putting actions to the feeling that had been fostered over their years together. Pepper Potts would most definitely be the only woman he ever loved, because Tony refuses to live through that internal homophobia a second time, nor disrespect Pepper by never being with a girl again. 

He knows that they will never be together in that sense in this life, Tony doesn’t want Pepper to suffer through what she had mentally from being by his side. For all that he loved her, he knew even then, he wasn’t good for her. She tried to dissuade him from thinking like that, but they both knew deep down that they were not perfect for each other despite their love. Not only that, but the Pepper he knew was dead. Either by the snap or coming back in time, the woman he knew would be gone forever. Tony had to make his peace with the fact even though it made him feel empty and hollowed out inside when he did so. 

“Bambino, what’s wrong? Do you need to see a doctor?” Maria asked, panicked, Tony realized that he had been staring into space for close to 5 minutes now. As much as Tony wants to decline, his neck felt like it was on fire and his head felt like it was full of angry bees that nested in a huge wad of cotton. Tony had long mastered thinking properly through any form of injury or inebriation. “My head hurts, I think I have a concussion.” he said, his voice hoarse and croaky. Maria didn’t waste a second to gather him in her arms like he weighed nothing despite him being a heavy 9 year old, racing across the living room to the kitchen carrying him with deceptive strength. 

She quickly pulled a chair from the table and sat him carefully in it before Maria dialed their private doctor quickly. Maria talked curtly, visibly changing her posture as she ruthlessly suppressed her panic and composed herself. It was a talent he always admired of his Mom, how she always made herself appear unflappable along with how she carried herself with poise and grace. No matter what was thrown her way Maria would always be unaffected on the outside, never letting anyone outside of Tony see her as anything less than perfect. He strived to appear just as unfazed by whatever people threw at him, and he quickly learned, just because you don’t show it on the outside doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. Tony quickly learned just how strong Maria was to never let this life break her, never even seeking an escape in a harmful vice. His mother refused to be broken, and that is something that stuck with him even decades after her death. 

The moment she hung up, like a flip had switched, all her false bravado melted away in an instant leaving her anxious of his injuries once more. Tony gave her the biggest smile he could to try and reassure her without using his abused voice that he was okay. Maria gave him a weak smile, pulling a chair to beside his so they could sit together. She sang softly in Italian, a song he knew by heart and was in awe that he was hearing it once more. The lyrics only felt right when they fell from his Mom’s mouth, from any other it felt like a cheap imitation. Tony leaned over so his body rested against hers, his eyes filling with tears as his stupid 9 year old body got overwhelmed by all of his emotions. 

Tony doesn’t remember the last time he basked in his Mother’s love, their last interaction before she had died their interaction had been soured by Howard’s existence. Before that he had been a stupid teenager, yearning for daddies love and broken by the fact he knew Howard would never love him more than Captain America. On top of that there was all the physical abuse from Howard, and Tony’s copious use of drugs, sex, and alcohol to numb all of the pain in his mind. One of the biggest drawbacks in his genius was the fact his mind never stopped, he was always plagued with them be it good or bad. The only time he could find silence was to numb it away, and as a teenager and well into adulthood he just wanted silence. A moment of silence to breathe, to exist without 3 different inventions bouncing around in his mind along with several different trains of thought that bounce around like a tennis match. Tony’s mind was a chaotic place, and when he was younger, he just wanted to have a moment of peace.

Once Maria had finished the song, she simply began singing it again. Tony ached to join her, to experience singing with his Mom another time, but the painful brand wrapped around his throat protested at the very idea. He simply contented himself listening to her soft lyrical voice sing in her mother tongue. After his Mom’s death, Tony never spoke Italian. He ignored the fact he knew the language as much as he could. It was a language spoken only between he and his Mom, something shared between the both of them. Italian was theirs, and without her it was a bunch of meaningless words that felt like ash on his tongue. 

She had reached the second chorus of the song for the seventh time when they heard a buzzing before a bell, signaling someone was at their gate. Maria stood from the chair, brushing down her expensive dress to remove any wrinkles and fixing her hair back to perfection, putting on a mask of indifference. She checked the camera before leaving to greet their guest at the door, Tony’s eyes following her all the while. He never truly appreciated how smart, resourceful, and strong his mother was until she was buried under the ground. He would never take her for granted again, he would use this second chance wisely and not make the same mistakes he once did.

Maria reentered the room with their private doctor by her side, a man in his late 30’s with a briefcase of supplies, held under a pile of NDA’s on top of getting paid a hefty sum for his continued silence. The doctor, Walter Grace, grimaced when he saw the state Tony was in. The thick bruises wrapped around his neck and the blood dried on his upper forehead from the blow to his head painted a grim picture the doctor had unfortunately grown used to. Walter did his checkup with a mask of professionalism, but they could all see his pinched face and heavy frown as he worked in silence. Tony was asked to remove his shirt which he did with slight reluctance, he didn’t want to worry his mother further. His stomach was also bruised, his tan skin a patchwork of purples with the ones around his neck being more red than purple.

His Mom hissed like a cat doused with water when she saw the state he was in, the only break in her immaculate mask he has ever witnessed. Walter scowled as he completed the check up, “Anthony shouldn’t speak for the next several days to prevent further injuries to his throat. There isn’t much that can be done for the bruises, unfortunately, He also sustained a mild concussion, it isn’t serious but he should take it easy and rest.” he concluded, packing up the supplies he had removed. Maria walked him out and watched as his car left the driveway before dropping her pretense, leaving his Mom looking livid as she paced in front of him.

_ “I swear to God I will murder that man. He’ll have his throat slit in the middle of the night and never wake up again! How dare he hurt my Bambino. Howard doesn’t deserve him.” _ Maria muttered darkly in Italian, before a string of extremely create and unladylike curses fell from her mouth that would make a sailor blush. Tony watched in awe, he had never seen this side of his mother before. In his first life when this event happened, Tony had disappeared back into his room the second Walter was shown to the door, traumatized by the events that led to his injuries. Now he had a front row seat to just how vicious and angry his mother truly was with Howard, he knew she disliked him and only stayed for outside appearances, but he never knew just how deeply her hatred ran. 

Maria was red in the face, flushed with her unadulterated fury. Her husband had gone too far. She was fine with his berating because his opinion meant nothing to him, she ignored the occasional slap he dealt out as she was strong enough to ignore the pain. But how dare he try and kill her son! She knew Howard was nasty with his words and she tried to erase the damage as much as she could, but Howard had never raised a hand to Tony as far as she was aware. Until now. Maria seethed in rage, her son was only 9, and he doesn’t deserve such treatment even if he was older!

When she had calmed down enough, his Mom looked exhausted. She cupped his cheek, trying not to look at the marks around his throat, “Never again.” she promised, “I’ll get you out of here so he can never touch you again.” she swore with regret and anger dripping from her words. Tony’s eyes widened, when he was a kid he thought that they were getting rid of him and sending him as far away from home to escape the shame of having a gay son. It destroyed him inside as a kid that even his own mother didn’t want to be around him because of his unnatural preferences. It was about that time that he pushed all of those thoughts and feelings into a little box and forgot about them as best he could. He never knew he was sent away to _ protect _ him, he wasn’t shipped off because of disgust, but as a result of his Mother’s love.

Tony felt his heart swell with love for his mother, seeing this whole new side of his Mom and looking at things from an older perspective made him realize so many things and value her beyond what words can describe. He put his hand over the one on her cheek, they were soft, not yet rough and calloused from his days spent in a workshop. Maria smiled, and it was filled with guilt and regret, but most of all it was full of love and strength. Tony Stark was no hero, even to this day he doesn’t think he’s the hero type, but Maria Stark is. She was his hero as a kid, and even now as a man within a child’s body, he was still awestruck by her. 

“I love you, Mom.” he mouthed slowly so she could see what he was saying. He had to repeat it for a second time before she understood, pulling him instantly into a tight hug. “I love you my Bambino.” she whispered into his hair, the words kept quiet for they were meant for his ears alone. Tony felt the widest grin he has made since the news Pepper was pregnant spread across his face, he felt like he was floating on cloud nine here in his Mom’s arms. Of course, something had to ruin it. His head snapped upward when he heard footsteps, the heavy drunken staggering could only belong to one person. Maria’s eyes hardened before it slipped away under a pleasant mask, she herded him out of the kitchen, to the chef’s station which had a separate exit from the way Howard was coming from. 

Tony left hesitantly, before he decided he couldn’t in good faith leave his mother alone with Howard after he was angry enough to kill Tony _ before _he had gotten drunk. Tony can’t imagine the nuclear levels of anger Howard must possess at the moment, so he carefully and quietly snuck back into the chef’s station, parting the door barely an inch wide and hiding behind the door to remain out of sight. He heard the moment Howard came into the kitchen as he immediately shouted, “What did you do with that faggot, woman! I wasn’t done with him.” in a venomous tone. Tony bristled, not only at the slur, but more importantly, the disrespect Howard was giving Maria.

His mother spoke calmly, but there was an undercurrent of danger under her pleasant tone. “Tony is resting in his room, and you _ are _ done with Anthony. I will be sending him away to boarding school in a week, and you will allow it.” Tony could hardly believe the balls of steel his mother had to say shit like that to Howard who must look like a tomato at this point. He heard the sharp sound of a slap and a body falling to the floor, “You are not the boss of me, woman. You would do well to remember your place!” he barked, making Tony’s blood boil with fury. 

Maria laughed, it was the polite one she always used at social gatherings but there was something darker about it that sent a shiver down his spine. “Oh Howard, you have given me the perfect evidence to ruin you. All it takes is me to press charges and your career will go down the toilet, and you can’t bury it under the rug, no matter how much money you throw around. You may have friends in high places, but it will do _ you _ well to remember I have friends in higher places and they are far more numerous than the few you manage to keep around. I will _ ruin _ you if you so much as breathe in the wrong direction as my son again.” she finished with a deadly hiss, a second break from character he has witnessed in a single day. Not only did her words astound him, but also the fact that he was witnessing the person his mother truly was under all of the layers of acting. 

Tony heard Howard scoff, but there was something nervous about the sound. “Fine, have it your way.” he said petulantly before tossing a glass carelessly onto the ground, uncaring as to whoever had to clean up the mess. Maria huffed the moment he was out the door, “Bambino you can stop eavesdropping now.” she said in an amused tone. Tony shamelessly opened the door and stepped out even though he internally wondered how she knew he was there. Maria was standing, carrying herself with her usual dignity and grace despite her right cheek being a livid red, painting just how harshly Howard had hit her not only to send her to the ground but also to leave such a mark. Tony bit harshly into his lip to prevent a snarl that would undoubtedly exacerbate the damage to his throat, drawing blood with his fight to suppress her anger.

His Mom huffed with a wry smile on her face, “It’s superficial Bambino, easily negligible.” she said flippantly. Suddenly with crystal clarity Tony understands why it always pissed Pepper off when he blew off injuries, Tony doesn’t understand how she went through the sheer frustration he felt time and again and still stay by his side. Once again he marveled at the strength of his wife- or rather, former wife, if it was Pepper in the suit he knows he wouldn’t have been able to handle the helpless frustration he was feeling at the moment in the long term. Pepper truly was a miracle, and despite the fact he wouldn’t pursue her romantically in this life, he still wanted her in his life once more, and he wanted to make her happy. Set her up with someone who can treat her like the goddess she was properly, support her to payback the years she spent by his side, Pepper would never know what they had went through together, but Tony will still endeavor to pay her loyalty and care back in full. 

Maria smiled gently at the frustration on his small little face, finding the scowl on her son’s face adorable. Here her son was with injuries around his throat that no doubt hurt every time he swallowed and a concussion, yet he was still worrying over her! She knew nobody who possessed the same kindness, caring, and intelligence Anthony did, and she fiercely would protect those for as long as she could, she didn’t want him to lose the best of himself due to Howard. She pulled him into a hug and pressed a kiss to his forehead, wiping the angry expression from his face. “Go to your room for real this time, Bambino. You need to rest to recover from your concussion.” she ordered gently, but it didn’t erase the steel underlying the soft tone of the command. 

Tony reluctantly followed his Mom’s order, parting from her side to go back through the door of the chef’s kitchen. The exit led to a hall which was far from Howard’s office, a safer path to navigate towards his room without confrontation. His room was also up a flight of stairs and down a hall, so that exit was more direct as opposed to the regular entrance. Opening his childhood room once more was a nostalgic feeling he never expected to feel, looking around with curiosity after closing the door. 

His attention was immediately drawn to a Captain America poster hung over his bed, Tony climbed onto the soft surface and viciously ripped it down from it’s place leaving pieces of the torn material trapped between the tape and wall. He crumpled it up and tossed it carelessly over his shoulder, the saying never meet your heroes rung true in the case of Steve, something he would never forgive nor forget. He may have pushed his personal feelings aside for the sake of the universe as a whole, but he wouldn’t forgive who betrayed his trust and used his money and resources to search for the murderer of his mother all while keeping the fact from him, nor will he forgive the attempt on his life. Steve Rogers will never be anything more than a reluctant ally at most, and Tony perhaps childishly, decided that he’d leave the asshole in the ice, let Howard go crazy and Steve miss out on more time. It was petty and vengeful, but Tony didn’t care, this was the price Steve will pay for his actions, because Tony knew that Steve would do it all over again with no regard for who gets hurt in the process.

His room otherwise was just as he fondly remembered it. Covered in sparse posters Jarvis had gotten for him, it was neat aside from his desk which was cluttered with papers that he had frantically written his racing thoughts onto. One thing stood out as different to him which he immediately honed onto, a thin red book he could never remember possessing. Tony made his way other, reading the title he quickly gained an idea of who it came from. On the front in an elegant font, was the title DEATH NOTE embossed in gold. He snorted at his iconic suit colors being on the book, picking it up he felt the chill not only of the book in his hands but of a presence he was quickly becoming familiar with. Death standing in his childhood room was truly a strange sight for the genius he wished he had some coffee to better handle. Sadly he most likely wouldn’t get his hands on the holy liquid with not only Jarvis’ swift denial but also his Mom’s. He knew they would team up to keep it out of his hands, but he would get it at boarding school _ one way or another_. They couldn’t keep his coffee away from him!

Death’s rasping laugh brought him out of his thoughts, “My my, Little Merchant do I bore you?” she asked amused, laughing outright at the scowl on his face. “But I’m not here to listen to your dreams of coffee,” Tony was startled to realize she could hear his thoughts, “No, I can’t you just said it out loud.” her voice was past amused and more akin to laughing at him without doing it for a third time in the span of a single conversation. She sobered up, noticeably standing straighter and causing Tony to unconsciously do so as well and focus on her purpose in being here.

Her skeletal hand ghosted over the thin notebook in his hand, drawing his attention back to the foreign object Tony had forgotten he held in his hand. “This is a Death Note, a tool all of my Shinigami possess, and this is yours. I haven’t created a new Shinigami in centuries, letting the old ones do their duty controlling death here on Midgard. You, however, are special my merchant. I’m giving you privileges others don’t possess, you will be more akin to a God of death like Hela.” she said before pausing, “That is, of course, dependent on if you defeat Thanos or not.” she tacked on before continuing, “I won’t go over the rules, you can read them on your own time. For now you aren’t a true Shinigami but more akin to half of one, almost like a human gifted with a notebook, but with the powers of a true one. This is a gift I don’t often allow, Anthony Stark, use it wisely.” she said seriously before disappearing as if she was never there in the first place, leaving Tony blinking in surprise. 

He looked back down at the notebook in his hand, suddenly finding the object far more daunting than he had when he first picked it up. Tony pulled the chair out and sat at his desk, placing the innocent looking notebook in front of himself. He bit the bullet opening it to the first page, he thumbed through the pages and was surprised to find the black pages depicting rules went on far longer than he would have thought. Tony glanced warily at the book then back at his bed, reading all of these rules would no doubt take quite a bit of time, and the pulsing in his skull wasn’t getting any better.

In the end, Tony decided to listen to his Mom and go to bed early. He made sure to hide the notebook in a hollowed out section of his room’s wall, hidden behind his desk. It was full of little inventions Tony had made along with stolen parts he managed to nick from Howard’s lab without him noticing, seeing it brought another burst of nostalgia. Tony placed the notebook within the hole before pushing the desk flush against the wall once more, double checking to insure that it wouldn’t be seen. While Howard may have backed off because of what his Mom had said, Tony didn’t trust him as far as he could throw him, so he locked his door and placed the desk chair beneath the handle. If someone were to attempt getting in, he would hear it and be ready. He was wary of his window, it was made of simple glass, hardly bullet proof and stupidly easy to break into, he didn’t like it but there was little he could do to remedy that. 

Tony stripped off his day clothes, somewhat unnerved to see a young body doing the actions he thought of. It hadn’t truly sunk in that he was 9 again, and he expected that tomorrow he would have his freak out before getting over it. He got into his bed and stared up at his ceiling, little glow in the dark stars in the formation of different constellations glowed dimly in the dark. Suddenly he bolted upward, a surprised laugh falling from his left when he felt the smooth unscarred and uncompressed skin where his Arc reactor had once been. He no longer had shrapnel that could kill him at any moment, missing parts of his organs to make space for the device, or the scars and pains that came with the reactor. He collapsed back onto the pillows, he hand under his shirt feeling the place that had once been so vulnerable, a helpless laugh trickling from his lips. He could hardly believe it, and he would insure it would not be placed there again.

Not only by making sure Obadiah never deals under the table, but also never making weapons in the first place. Death may call him her merchant, but he was done with that life, he never wanted to live it again. He was now well-aware of the consequences his creations had wrought and he didn’t want to have those sleepless nights plagued with nightmares of innocent people being ripped apart by weapon with his name on them. He didn’t want to live through the days he spent on the internet, looking into who had lost their family members because of him, reading the heart wrenching stories that drowned him in guilt. Changing Stark Industries was one of the best decisions he made, but it came far too late. He couldn’t erase what he had done, he couldn’t bring those people back to life, but, at the very least he would never make another weapon that could be used on humans. 

_Humans_. You better believe Tony was going to fortify this planet and make weapons capable of taking down threats such as the Chitauri and Thanos, and he wasn’t naive enough to think someone won’t take the place Thanos left. There would be megalomaniacs scrambling for that position of power to oppress and further destroy, but Tony wouldn’t allow them near Earth. Earth was _ his _ and even if they didn’t know it yet, he would protect the people on this planet fiercely so no Manhattan invasion or Infinity stone snap would happen ever again. Tony drifted off to sleep, defenses he could create coming to life in his mind’s eye. 

-

A knock at the door had Tony snapping from sleep to awareness in an instant, looking at the source warily. He felt uncomfortable knowing he had no way to defend himself in his child body, he had no suit, no AI, and no weapons within his room to ward off any enemies. “Tony, your mother told what has happened, please come out.” He heard the sound of Jarvis’ British accent through the door, his eyes unconsciously closing to soak in the sound. He may have recreated it with his AI, but hearing the voice of the man he considered a father far more than Howard was a sweet relief.

Tony removed the chair silently but when he pushed it back into its spot in front of the desk he let it scrape the floor audibly so Jarvis wouldn’t know he barricaded himself, albeit crudely, within his room. He was well aware how Jarvis or his Mom would react if he suddenly started acting differently, going to boarding school would be a blessing in disguise. They wouldn’t be able to get a read on how much he changed, chalking it up to having grown up and flourished away from Howard. Tony unlocked the door and opened it slowly, peering an eye threw before opening it all the way for Jarvis, his eyes darted around for Howard. He perfectly reenacted the panic he felt as a child during this incident and Jarvis’ subsequent visit, terrified Jarvis too would want to get rid of him for his unnaturalness. 

Without that panic, Tony could see the way Jarvis’ eyes darkened when he caught sight of the marks around his neck, the way the man looked ready to break Howard’s throat. He inwardly wondered how he could have missed all of the adults around him caring for him to the degree they would hurt or kill to protect him. Tony had little doubts his mother would live up to her threats of either killing him in his sleep, or ruining his career and life, he couldn’t decide which would be worse on the man. He also hadn’t forgotten the fact Jarvis had fought in a war nor the fact that his wife was an ex-assassin. Boy wasn’t that to find out later in life, that the woman who baked cookies for him and treated him tenderly had been part of a Jewish assassin group that quietly took out some big and small threats without anyone but HYDRA noticing. Not even S.H.I.E.L.D. had known, at least according to the records that had been released when Itsy Bitsy and Capsicle burned all of those agents and release _ all _ of the data S.H.I.E.L.D had. Boy was that a mess and a half to clean up. 

Jarvis gently putting a hand on his shoulder, startling him from his musing, and his resulting flinch had Jarvis pulling away his hand like he had been burned, the look over fury increasing along with a small measure of hurt. Tony wanted to say something, but with his throat in the state it was, he was essentially trapped with his thoughts. While yes, not speaking meant that he couldn’t let them on to the fact he was different now, he had so much he wanted to say to them. Tony settled for hugging Jarvis, wrapping his small arms around the man’s sternum. Jarvis quickly and carefully returned the sentiment, “I’m sorry I was gone yesterday, I’ll make sure it won’t happen again. You’ll be safe.” he promised.

A hidden smile stretched across Tony’s face. Wholeheartedly believing Jarvis, even as an adult he always associated the man with safety. JARVIS kept him safe for so many years, and the loss of his AI hurt in so many ways it was painful to think about even now. JARVIS wasn’t just a string of code, he was Tony’s _ son _ , a person, albeit a digital one. It was fascinating and humbling to watch JARVIS learn and grow, to see him become more than his coding and become his own person. Although they never spoke of it, they both knew JARVIS had achieved sentience, something that never failed to make Tony’s heart burst with pride and joy- and now pain. JARVIS had been a person, and to see his team not give a damn that his _ son _ had been ripped to shreds before his eyes during the Ultron incident had been one of the first moments he began to question them. He wished he had followed his instincts and kicked the heartless bastards out of his tower with only the clothes on their backs, just as he had wanted to in that moment a grief. It would have saved him a metric ton of pain and heartache in the future.

“Your mother wished for me to inform you that you’ll be sent to boarding school Monday, how do you feel about that?” he asked, explaining it gently and watching his body language and expressions to gage his reaction. Tony remembers how he had quietly accepted it when he was actually 9, how he had a meltdown as soon as Jarvis left, silently sobbing as his world fell apart from his unnatural desires. This time, however, Tony furrowed his eyebrows like he was thinking before nodding and giving a thumbs up to convey that he had come to the conclusion it was for the best. Jarvis rose an eyebrow, “Are you sure, Tony? This isn’t something to take lightly, and I hope you know this is done for your safety.” 

Man if only Tony had heard that as a kid, instead he pulled the wool over his eyes, covered his ears and did his damndest to block out the world. He was so stupid back then, despite being called a genius. Tony saw all the wrong things as a kid, and he was so sensitive he broke at the slightest hint of disapproval. He was so scared; of himself and his feelings, of what his Mom and Jarvis would think, and of what abuse Howard would dish out further due to the topic. He was surprised that once he returned home to start college, the subject was never brought up again and Howard never raised a hand to him. Now he knows it was because of his Mom’s badassery.

Tony walked over to his desk and spent a few moments picking up and moving papers to find blank ones. When he finally unearthed his notepad he flipped to an empty part and quickly jotted down what he had to say, in his usual chicken scratch that formed when he wrote quickly. Not only were his notes hidden under a code only he and JARVIS (later FRIDAY) knew, but nobody could ever read his handwriting. It never failed to amuse him when Pepper got angry over his quickly jotted down reminders looking like an alien language. Apparently, this Jarvis too possessed the ability to read his horrid font. 

“_ Yeah I know it’s for my own good. I thought I was going to die, I started going cold as I couldn’t breathe. It was terrifying, and I don’t want to be around Howard anymore. He also hit Mom, that’s unforgivable. Now I won’t have to see the bastard again, which is a win. You, Ana, and Mom will visit right?” _

Jarvis was surprised at the honesty and vulnerability Tony had shown to him, admitting to his own fears. He was also livid at the words, how could a father do that to their son? He and Ana always wanted children, but unfortunately she was primary infertile so they couldn’t have a child of flesh and blood. They had completely given up on the notion, but then Jarvis became a butler here and met Tony. Tony who latched onto him and even if he didn’t say it, thinks of him as a father figure. He also latched equally onto Ana as a second mother, much to his wife’s delight. She had been so envious in the beginning despite how she tried to push away those emotions. Ana had thought that Tony already had a mother, so he had no use for her. But there, after several months of interactions, Tony got that spark in his eyes he only had when looking at Jarvis and Maria. Ana had cried that day when they got home, so overjoyed at the fact that Tony thought of her in that way. 

“Of course we will.” he said firmly, not wanting the notion he was being abandoned to get into his surrogate child’s mind. Tony gave him one of those smiles, the ones that make his work as a butler worth it. He didn’t enjoy the job, far from it, but it gave him a chance to be with Tony almost constantly. And when he gave Jarvis and Ana those adoring smiles like they are the center of his universe, it never failed to warm his heart. He gave Tony’s shoulder a firm squeeze, not wanting to hug him as Maria said he had an injury on his stomach, and Jarvis didn’t want to even risk causing Tony more pain. Tony was the child he and Ana could never have, and he was brilliant, they and Maria adored this tiny genius with a motormouth and bright smile. His mood has been dimmer and more sedated, but that was to be expected after what he had experienced. Jarvis could hardly fathom the pain of thinking you were going to die at your own father’s hands.

Jarvis wanted to ask Tony what happened, what Howard did to him, but he wouldn’t. Tony has always been so sensitive no matter how he tried to bury it and be an iron wall like his father, and Jarvis refuses to cause further pain by bringing the subject up. Tony doesn’t deserve this and it made him furious that nothing would be done about it, it’ll just be an incident swept under the rug and forgotten about. He can bet Howard’s stupid fourtune that this event will stick with Tony for his entire life, and the lack of justice for such a scar infuriates him. Why the bloody hell can’t he just end this man and take Tony? He knew logically it wasn’t feasible and that Howard was important not only for the weapons he supplied but also his role in S.H.I.E.L.D, and there would be hell to pay if he were to be killed. So Jarvis just had to swallow his rage and do his best to make Tony happy, and keep him away from Howard.

That doesn’t mean he couldn’t make Howard's life a living hell. The staff of the mansion adore Tony, and they will all be enraged when they hear what has happened and why the young heir had been sent away. Never mess with those that cook your food, do your laundry, clean your room, and manage your lands. Soon, Howard will regret his actions. Jarvis couldn’t wait.

-

It was after dinner when Tony finally got some time to himself. Jarvis, Ana, and his Mom seem to have made a collaborative plan to keep him busy and spend as much time together before he left for an indeterminate amount of time. Not that he was complaining, he was delighted to see Ana again, and to spend time with the three people he could undoubtedly call family without a second of hesitation. Time spent with them felt good, like stepping into a warm shower after a binge in his workshop. Tony can’t remember the last time his life was this peaceful and simple, it was just the four of them against Howard, low stakes when you think about it, and besides, they had each other. Howard will die cold and alone, with only his money and a legacy of death and destruction to warm him.

Speaking of Howard dying, Tony returned his attention to the reason he needed some alone time. He had pulled the notebook from its place in the wall, but he had yet to open it. He opened the cover and quickly read through the rules, giving it a second pass to insure he understood what was detailed before moving on to the next page, a habit he developed when reading contracts where wording could have dangerous consequences if not properly understood. Tony continued on in the same way, surprised to finish it in less than an hour. With how many pages there were, he expected it to be severely complicated and contradictory, but truly it was a straightforward and simple tool to use. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t be careful and tread lightly though, he would have to think over all of his actions before even writing a name.

Picking up his notepad from where it had been tossed after using it all day to communicate, he flipped to an empty page and got to work. He wanted to insure that when he wrote Howard’s name, the instructions would be airtight and leave no evidence that linked to himself. He’d have to wait patiently to enact this plan, a skill he wasn’t known for but had enough practice in it to succeed in doing this. He’d need to tap Stark Industries, that will be a fun challenge to figure out while at boarding school which will no doubt be just as much of a bore. They only kept him for a year before conceding he was just too advanced and sent him off to college. While beating his old record would be fun, Tony had to lie low, he was already on HYDRA’s radar, he didn’t need them kidnapping him and turning him into Winter Soldier 2.0, that would be a nightmare. He’d go at the same pace he did in his last life, and he would fill his time by planning his actions.

With a wide grin, Tony write the 6th variation of what he could do. This life will be better, for not just him but those he cares for, he’d make sure of it. If it means embracing being Death’s merchant, he would gladly deal out her wares to save those he had failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't seem to get away from killing children and writing child abuse. I wonder who will die as a child in my next fic....?


	2. Not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This goes out to all the guests that read my works

There is an app called Fanfic Pocket Archive Library that steals fics from ao3 for profit. I just write for fun and as an outlet for my Clinical Depression, so it really pisses me off to see someone profit off of my ideas and hours of work. Until further notice my works will be locked so that only ao3 users can veiw them. This will be put in place a week from today as a fair warning to guests. I hate to do this but I'm not letting them steal from me and my friend that I collabed with. Many authors will more than likely also lock down their works as well to prevent further theft. 

In other news. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I'm getting my life back together. I've decided what High school I'm going to attend and picked all my classes. I've also chosen my career path as either a Zoologist or Veterinarian so I'm focusing more on school. Last year I couldn't see myself making it to 20 but now I have plans and dreams I want to put into action. I'll get back to posting when my life has settled down enough to write again. Thank you for your continued support. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, Comments, and Bookmarks are appreciated. I love interacting with those who comment so don't hesitate to!


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